Closeness!
How close are you to your father-in-law? I imagine there are varying degrees of closeness to a father-in-law. Some are very close, others not so close, while still others can’t stand to be around their father-in-law. But however close you may feel or have felt toward your Father-in-law they are human beings that deserve to be treated with love, respect, and honor.
Meeting
When I first met my husband he had a real struggle with his father. There were ways that my husband was treated growing up that caused him to struggle. He did not want to have a whole lot of contact with him. I encouraged my husband in forgiveness. In time he did process through some things. As he processed through things he started to remember the good times. Sometimes we get so caught up in the bad that someone has done we miss out on the good. One thing that he remembers was about when his father would give him a spanking. Afterward, his dad would hold him in his arms for a few minutes and then go into the bathroom and wash his face with cold water. So the first meeting I had was through the words and experiences of my husband.
Not many of my husband’s family were able to come to our wedding. Most of his family was in Minnesota. After we were married for a while, we went to visit. My father-in-law seemed nice enough but I definitely noticed that he did not know how to love. But for me, I could see through the reasons. It is easier if we are not emotionally attached to someone to see passed what he or she seems to be. I recognized that he had never learned to love. How does a person learn to love if it has never been demonstrated to them? He didn’t know how to hug you, say I love you, or show any compassion.
Moving
18 years ago Dad Rittenour went through a divorce and ended up moving from Minnesota to North Idaho where we live. He came and lived with us for a time. For a time he dealt with depression that took him in and out of the hospital. I remember once, in the middle of the night, him coming into the house falling apart. My husband, who at the time had not really learned to love either, did not have a clue what to do. I am so grateful for my upbringing with loving parents, I was able to show my father-in-law love that he had never experienced growing up. I held him in my arms and began to pray. And within a short time, he was calmed and went back to bed.
Organized
There is one thing that my father-in-law was good at and that was being organized. He helped out around my husband’s cabinet shop. Every day he would go to the shop and tinker around organizing. He would separate everything into containers. At the time, baby wipes came in nice plastic containers. He would take everyone that became empty and use them to help him organize. He would use old peanut butter containers, coffee containers, or whatever he could find. It was definitely a blessing for his son, my husband, Kent. He never had to worry about his shop being kept clean.
His Organization skills never changed with his independence. He finally got his own apartment. And I can say not many men would keep their house like he did. Even though his heart was weak he still would keep things organized.
Once he was unable to live on his own and moved to a care facility, Life Care, he still constantly was organizing his room. He was never quite satisfied with the way things were. I would go to visit him and where something once was it no longer was there but somewhere else.
Memories
I don’t remember how long he had been living with us when this happened but it was not long. Our son, Aaron, was such a chatterbox. One day while sitting at the table eating Dad quietly pulled a quarter out of his pocket and laid it on the table. He let it sit there for a little bit. Then he pushed it toward Aaron and said, “If you are quiet the rest of this meal I will give you this quarter.” Aaron stayed quiet and earned the quarter. The chatterbox ability has led Aaron to many great things now that he is older.
Our son Aaron also loved Grandpa’s little red Ford Aspire car. He told Grandpa one day that he wanted to buy it from him. Grandpa told him if he filled a 5-gallon bucket with coins he could have it, of course, he never did it. But years later when Grandpa wanted to sell his car, Aaron did end up buying it. Then our oldest son, Jeffrey bought it from Aaron, and now our son Caleb has it. It is still within the family. It has gone over many mechanical changes but is still running.
Our son Caleb remembers riding in the little red car with Uncle Tim as Grandpa was going to Uncle Curt and Aunt Colleen’s home. There was more than one way to get to their home and Grandpa had the way he liked to go. He said to Caleb, “Your parents don’t like to come this way because of all the deer but I have deer whistles on my car.” He really believed in the deer whistles and I would have to agree with him. They really work.
Dad was a smoker. He had smoked for many years and even had to physically retire in his fifties. Our children didn’t want Grandpa to die and they knew that the cigarettes were killing him. So one day they took a carton of cigarettes and hid them. If I am remembering correctly they buried them. Of course, when I found out I made them give them back. Grandpa never knew. I commended them for their desire to help Grandpa but this is Grandpa’s choice. He did finally give up his smoking in November 2010.
I remember how Dad would love it when our daughter, Rebekah Lee, who was somewhere around one or two, would feed him. She would go over and pick up the spoon that was in his tea or coffee cup and give it to him a spoonful at a time.
Our son Michael loved to make things for Grandpa. He would pick out something that he thought Grandpa would like and make it on the scroll saw. When he was 11 he made one that Grandpa just loved. So many times, that I can’t count, he would say to me how much he liked it and couldn’t believe that Michael had made it.
Dad lived in his own place for a while but things started to change. He couldn’t do all the things he once did and it became apparent that he shouldn’t be driving anymore. He had been a truck driver for so many years that the thought of him not being able to drive seemed devastating. Whenever he would talk about the past, trucking was brought up quite often. Even though he did other jobs through his life trucking was by far his favorite job.
I remember the day that I went to take away his keys. It was not easy to do. I let him know how much I loved him and because of that love, I was taking away his keys. He didn’t show any anger toward me but I knew that it was there. The frustration for him must have been enormous. He had been so independent all his life and to lose that was so hard. I don’t believe he ever got his keys back from that point on.
There are so many memories that I could share that it is hard to pick and choose and to remember them. I know it was not too long after he lost his driving ability that he ended up in the care facility. He fell and broke ribs and ended up in Life Care Post Falls, Idaho. And shortly after that he fell and broke his hip. He declined at that point and never did end up living on his own again.
I remember helping Dad go through his things at his apartment. It took time to go through things and help him pack up everything. He had softened to the point that he really realized that he had not been the father he should have been. He shared how he loved his boys and he hoped that they could love him but he understood if they couldn’t. It made me realize that he probably lived with a lot of guilt. A few tears were shed that day.
I wish I could remember the day that he first said I love you. We all just showed him so much love that changes started to take place. They were slow but we could definitely see it. And then there was the day that he actually initiated I love you. That was amazing!
I became the one to be involved in his health care. Each doctors’ appointment he had I went with him and stayed closely connected with what was happening with his health. I became a listening ear for him. If he was having a bad day or was frustrated he would call. I would listen, encourage and at times pray with him. It was a growing experience in my life. I learned to love no matter what he said or how he said it. I learned to love him despite at times his anger for my stand. He felt that unconditional love and care that I gave him.
It meant a lot to me that he called me his “guardian angel.” I never thought of it that way but I did advocate for him many of times and his life was spared. I know that there are many others in his family that would have done for him as I did if they would have been able to do so, but time and distance was a barrier. I feel so privileged to have been able to take part in his care.
While he was at Life Care he loved to play Bingo, it was his favorite game. When he played and would win he could pick from a box of things. There were a lot of knickknacks and other things as well. He would pick out what he thought I would like and when I would go to see him he would have bags of things for me to take home.
He let me know that his son, Kent needed to build me a curio cabinet for all the knickknacks he was giving me. I know that he gave them out of love for all the things that I was doing for him. I did not have room for all the things so I kept out some and then packed everything in boxes. My husband, Kent, could have filled all my walls with curio cabinets and there still would not have been enough. He also showered our daughter with stuffed animals until she was overwhelmed. But then great-grandchildren came along and he shared the blessing with them, of which she was grateful. I did not feel right getting rid of all the gifts because they were gifts from his heart. I told Kent that I would keep them until he passed away. Who would have known that he would have lived so long? He amazed so many people. Even the doctors and nurses would say, “He has more lives than a cat.” So I have many, many, many boxes of gifts.
Another thing that he told me multiple times is, “Kent better hang on to you and treat you right, you’re a keeper.”
Dad became very faithful about reading his Bible. (A side note. He was very particular about what Bible he read; it had to be a KJV. He felt the other Bibles had been tampered with and could not be trusted). In all his years he had never read his Bible through. There were certain books or verses that he would read but he had never read through the Bible. So as he read through his Bible he would call me. He would have questions about some things that he read or he would share excitedly about something that he had learned. The excitement in his voice about what he was learning was priceless.
The best memory
One of my best memories took place a couple of months ago or so. He wasn’t doing well so I was stepping up my visits. I was leaving for work over an hour earlier so I could go see him before going to work at 8 am. One morning when I was there he started to talk about God. The tears started to flow as he shared. “Every time I think of what Jesus has done for me, it amazes me. He loves me so much.” He said more but words cannot express it. But the tears flowed freely.
Dad also became very bold in his faith. He wanted to tell others about the love of Jesus. He told me that he believed the Lord was keeping him alive so that he could tell others about Him. He felt his place in Life Care was to be a witness. He may not always have been tactful but he certainly was bold. At the last when he wanted to see a couple of specialists, he asked one doctor, “Are you a Christian?” When the doctor replied yes he said, “Good!” The doctor did not have good news for him. He told him there was nothing he could do for him. Dad responded, “I knew that would probably be the answer. But because you are a Christian I will see you again in heaven, right?” The doctor replied, “yes.’ And again Dad said, “Good!”
Prayer
He loved it when I would have prayer with him, especially when he was having a hard time. He never asked me to pray for him but when I said I was going to pray he was so grateful.
He was very particular about how prayer was done. He made it clear to me earlier on that it bothered him when people would say, “Dear Jesus.” He told me that we are supposed to pray to the Father in Jesus Name. So I would pray, “Dear Heavenly Father…In Jesus Name, Amen.”
There were a few times when I was done praying that he would pray. When I was through praying he would often say, “Thank You, Jesus,” especially when he was having a tough time.
His last words to me
I visited him the last Thursday before he died. It was suppertime so I asked him if he wanted me to take him down to supper. With much difficulty, he responded yes. Even though he could hardly speak he still had his routine. I knew his routine by heart. So when he was trying to tell me what he needed but could not quite get the words out, I helped him. He wanted his light tucked on one side of him, his box of tissues on the other, his black Sharpie in his shirt pocket, a straw and his pair of scissors.
When we got to the dining hall he couldn’t even do his usual routine. He was usually so particular about how his table was set up but this time he had no energy for it. I read the menu for him and asked him what he wanted. He wanted mashed potatoes with gravy and Italian dressing, which wasn’t even on the menu. When he ordered drinks he ordered two apricot nectar, a V-8 juice, and ice water with lots of ice. He didn’t even order a cup of coffee, which is unusual.
When the food came I fed him his mashed potatoes, which he ate little of and he drank a little apricot nectar and some water. At that point, he was ready to go back to his room.
His son, Kent, my husband, showed up at that point and he spent a little time with him while I talked with a CNA, Teresa. She cared for him a lot and had tears in her eyes as we talked.
Before we left that night I had prayer with Dad. My prayer was different this time. I usually asked for healing but this time it just didn’t seem fitting. I asked for Jesus’ arms to be around him and to give him courage. I told him I loved him and that I was going to get some extra help in for him and he said, “Good.” Hospice was coming in by Monday but he passed away before they came.
Goodbye, Dad.
He will be missed but I am grateful for the resurrection. The next thing that he will see is Jesus coming in the clouds and what a glorious day that will be. He will be full of health and vigor. I, as well as all of his family, are looking forward to that day so that we can be reunited with him.
Dear Heavenly Father,
We long for the coming of Your Son, Jesus. We know it is soon. Help us all to be ready.
In Jesus Name,
Amen
If Dad were here today he would ask you, “Have you given your heart to Jesus?” If you haven’t given your heart to Jesus do it today without delay.
Love you all.
Do you know Don? If so share a memory below about him. You may not have known him but if you have words of encouragement or wisdom feel free to share.