Have you ever experienced a dog attack? I don’t know about you but I love dogs. I am an animal lover in general but dogs are probably my favorite. But dogs, like any creature, including the human creature, become how they are treated. There are dogs that are great family dogs for their gentleness but when placed in a home where they are treated mean they become mean. They are yelled at all the time. They can’t do anything right. They are tied up all the time or shoved in a small place to exist. Puppies can be so cute but how they are raised and treated can make them either mean or loving.
I remember one time when I was in town, pulling up to a store, and parking. I got out of my car and headed for the store not thinking any danger was at hand. As I walked passed this truck a dog fiercely poked his head out of the truck and came within a short distance of biting me in the head. I could feel his breath. I was afraid to even go by to get back into my vehicle; I was parked right next to it. I stayed in the store a while waiting for the truck to leave. I also wanted to talk to the person of the truck. I don’t really remember the end of the story. If I am remembering correctly I didn’t end up talking to the person I just crawled in from the other side of the vehicle and left. The part I will never forget is almost being bit.
How animals are treated has a lot to do with how they turn out, loving or mean. The same is true with children. Children always have the freedom to choose what direction they will go. But a child that is raised in an environment that is full of unconditional love has a way better chance of becoming a loving person. Than a person who is raised in an environment where they can never do anything right, in the eye of the parent, no matter what they do. They are demeaned, yelled at, hit, etc., how can they survive.
The question is if you have been an unloving parent is there hope? There is always hope in love. But it can be a very difficult road. It takes time to heal. Have you ever seen a dog that has been abused change after being in a loving home? Absolutely! But it takes time. And there are dogs where they have not been able to rehabilitate; they have been through so much abuse. The same holds true with children as well. It all depends on how long it has been going on and how severe the abuse. But I do believe there is hope. If you are willing to make changes in your choices and you allow God to be a part of helping you, He can bring healing.
We live in a generation where a lot of us did not learn to love growing up. Some of us have no idea what love is. You may have grown up in a home where, basically, no love was shown to you. With each generation that goes by where no one demonstrates love because they never saw love demonstrated, it gets worse. In this generation what love is, seems very messed up. Everything that is watched listened to, or demonstrated is full of so much self that true love is not revealed. How can we learn to truly love? God will help us when we ask Him to give us His love. Reality is we can not truly have an unselfish love without God-loving through us. But what can we do to change mistakes we have made with our children or anyone and show them, love? Here are a few tips that I would encourage you to look at. I have been reading “The Five Love Languages of Teenagers” by Gary Chapman so some of what I will be sharing will be from this book.
- Ask your child to forgive you. Start by going to your child or whoever it may be and ask for their forgiveness. Now it may be hard for them to readily forgive you because of their past experiences with you. You may have said, “I am sorry” off the cuff many times but your behavior continued. Gaining their trust will take time and healing will take a long time. Ask God for His blessing.
- Figure out what their love language is. You need to love them in a way that they can accept the love. Gary Chapman shares 5 love languages.
- Words of Affirmation. This is something that is really good for everyone. In a world that is so negative, these words can change a person’s life. But there are ones where this is their primary love language and they just thrive when they hear words that affirm them. You may think there is nothing good in your child to affirm. But if you look closely you will find it. We can be so negative as parents that we tend to look over the good things our kids do because we just expect the good. Listen to what others say about your kids, a lot of times that can give you a clue. And as you affirm them in the good you will actually start seeing more good. You will see more good for two reasons, one they will start doing more good things because they are getting positive reinforcement and two you will change your attitude so you can see more good. And if this is your child’s primary love language he/she will thrive.
- Physical Touch. I would start by saying appropriate physical touch. I am not going to get into the right and wrongs here, read Gary’s book for that. But for some children, this is very important. With my own children, I can see who it is important to and who it is not. If your teen is willing to put his/her arm around you in public, to me, that is one big sign that physical touch is important to them. There are many statistics that show how babies thrive or die depending on physical touch. Physical touch no matter what age can make a difference. But for some, it is their primary love language and they will thrive if they are receiving that physical touch.
- Quality Time. Quality time with our children is very important no matter what their primary love language is. But I think defining what quality time is, is important. In the society in which we live there seems to be less and less time spent in actually sitting around the table and having a meal together. Everyone is going in all different directions. Some may be watching something, others are looking at their smartphone, it may be work and school schedules that don’t match or some may be just plain zoned out. Having at least one meal together a day if possible is important for communication time. Planning is important. If plans are not made and scheduled in, it won’t happen. Those that have this as their primary love language will find someone to spend quality time with if it is not you, as a parent. So make this a priority. Really take a look at what quality time is. It requires communication. Some may say, “I watch something with my child at least 2 to 3 times a week.” I don’t want to burst your bubble but that is not quality time. It may be the easy way out but it is not quality time. If you want to see your child where quality time is their love language thrive, spend time with them.
- Acts of Service. We should be teaching our children to serve others and how we do that is by the way that we live. We should start by doing acts of service for our children. You may find it easy to do acts of service for others outside of your home but doing it for your children may be more difficult. It is easier outside our home because we get a pat on the back from others. The truth is that if we can’t do it for our children but do it for others self is in control. You may be saying, “I will make my child selfish if I do things for them.” I am not talking about doing everything for them. And it doesn’t need to be the same thing all the time. Be creative. Maybe you know that your child has a big test coming up you could say, “I know you have a big test tomorrow, I will wash the dishes tonight for you so you can get right to it.” You aren’t washing the dishes for them every night but once in a while. Maybe they have been back late from school because of some sports event and you fed the pets already for them. Make a list and be creative. If this is your Child’s love language they will beam with joy. Most likely if this is their primary love language they already do the same for others.
- There are children that just are overjoyed and feel very loved if they receive gifts. It doesn’t have to be big. It could just be a little note on their pillow at night that says your thinking of them and love them. It could be an extra treat that you give them wrap as a gift. Be creative and I know that you can come up with some great ideas. And their need for feeling loved will be met.
- In all these things prayer is the key to help you in knowing which love language your child has and how to connect with them through it. Pray for your children daily and for yourself that you won’t blow it again. We all have made mistakes as parents and we need to go forward asking God and our children to forgive us. And then rely on God, surrendering each day to Him.
Even if your children are older reconnect with them by following these steps as well. God is amazing at bringing healing if we surrender and allow Him to work.
Dear Father,
Forgive us for not always being the parents we should be. Help us as we surrender all to You and move forward in a better direction. Give us wisdom and creative ideas on how to love our children.
In Jesus Name,
Amen
Surrender all to God today and reconnect with your children.
Love you all.
Have any of you used the 5 Love Language rules with your children & teen? What were the results? I would love to hear your success stories.